I’ve been thinking a lot about armor.
I am a cancer and we are well known for being a sensitive/ emotional bunch. And I’ve always identified heavily with that faction of my personality. But there’s another factor. The crab with the sensitive underbelly has a HARD exterior.
Most people, even those who know me very well, would describe me as extroverted, outgoing, loud, brash, etc. What may come across as attention seeking is really quite the opposite. I use my loud mouth to deflect how I’m really feeling on the inside, or to make people think that I’m brave when I am anything but.
Because underneath that armor, I am scared, I am shy, I am awkward and nervous. I’ve programmed myself to be as weird and loud as possible to scare away predators. Two faced women. Lovers who can’t get close. Fair Weather Friends.
I often ignore the ways that I guard myself, maybe unaware I do it at all. I’ve integrated them into my personality so seamlessly that I sometimes think they are the Real Me.
But the real me is an inner sun burning through all the garbage I believe about myself. The things that want to stay hidden. Abandonment issues. Body Image issues, deep insecurities, fear of disappointing people, of being hurt, rejected, ostracized, of not being good enough, of not being deserving of true love and kindness. We all have these fears to some degree. And we all go to our own lengths to avoid facing them, admitting them, integrating them.
Vulnerability, layer by layer, is about stripping away the things that you think are protecting you.
But we all get hurt sometimes. It is an unavoidable faction of the mutability of our lives. No matter how hard we try to live uncomplicated lives with ease and satisfaction, disappointments arise.
Strip the armor away, bit by bit, and you realize that real power lies in laying your weapons down. In being still, quiet. In practicing brutal honesty about who you are and why you do the things you do. This is one of the true gifts of awakening. It is a gift of love. It’s the quiet solitude of stripping away what guards you, so you can be Real.