Updated: Jan 19, 2020
With one foot in each of my lives, the old and the new, things have been weird for me lately. I have felt like a ghost drifting between two worlds, because I quite frankly have been.
I am having new positive feelings about myself and what I expect from my life. My solar plexus and heart chakra have been spinning out of control for weeks, holding my own glowing light for me to see, showing me: this is who you are. You are ascending. You are evolving past your old ways of thinking and living, and if you don’t take the leap with both of your feet, you will get lost in the ether.
I craved change until it became uncomfortable. It was easier to be afraid of rejection and failure, so I overstayed my welcome in that place. I have been operating under the ruler of fear for so long, that taking this step into my new consciousness frightened me and I pulled back. Back into old habits, old ways of thinking, refusing to accept love from myself and others. I sat with bated breath expecting the rug to get pulled out at any second.
I’m finding my way back to myself, and I’ve decided those old ways are a part of a life I am no longer able to live. I’m now living a life I don’t want to escape from constantly. And I know now with absolute clarity that if I keep turning away from this new perspective, I’ll hide from love, I’ll hide from safety, I will refuse to accept success, and keep waiting on the white knight, catastrophically unaware that I am the white knight. I’ll stay under the bridge waiting for it collapse on top of me instead of walking on top of it, radiant and receptive. I have to suffer an absolute death of the person I was so I can step into what is waiting for me, and that is a future filled with a worthiness of love and safety.
Anything I hear or experience that is counterproductive to feeling like I am worthy of good things happening in my life is a lie. I am stepping away from those lies with both of my feet, to stand firmly planted in my new consciousness. Fear and doubt feed a demon that I no longer play host to.