Updated: Jan 19, 2020
I've met someone who is challenging. It's a potentially disastrous path as I am faced with my fear of rejection. But the things I’m discovering along the way are healing, and I do feel enveloped with a sense of purpose to clear all of my garbage out of the way so I can figure out what it really means to love another person.
In order for us to love ourselves and other people fully we have to think about our early experiences of love and work through the constructs that we place around the word. It simply isn’t enough to try to “love” other people if our underlying beliefs about love are wrapped in fear, shame, guilt, and pain.
When I started going within, I went to my early experiences and realized that my early feelings of love were rooted in downplaying my strength and positive attributes to appease someone’s ideas about who I should be. I often made myself to be less than I was for fear of retribution if I was too pretty, too smart, too confident, or too talented.
I spent my early years humiliating myself to be accepted. And thus my early ideas of love were born. As I started digging through my past relationships, I realized that what I have been creating for myself is this idea of love, that love for me means degradation. It means to acquiesce, to be subservient, to humiliate myself as a means of serving another person. YUCK.
Even when I try to love myself, it comes with a big ole “I love you, but love means I’m going to humiliate you and degrade you” caveat. I have cultivated enough self-esteem to know that I deserve and I am worthy of love, but still until I shift the idea behind what love means to me, then I am only worthy of more degradation. I honor myself by dishonoring myself.
If your constructs surrounding love are skewed, when you work on affirmations such as “I deserve love” what you are really telling yourself is “I deserve shame, fear, panic and guilt” so you continue to cultivate it, manifest it, and act it out, with other people and by yourself.
When you shift your idea of love and integrate it as a word that includes safety, honor, freedom, and integrity, then saying I love you becomes something whole and complete. Loving someone means giving them freedom to be exactly who they are, letting them soar to great heights without fear of losing them,and allowing them to explore the depths of sadness and humanity and holding space for them if they stumble or fall.
Change your constructs around a word and see how it shifts your perspective. If your idea of love is anything that doesn’t include safety, honesty, integrity, dignity, freedom and absolute acceptance, then do some work around your early experiences of love. I bet you’ll find that your idea of love comes with stipulations. Let go of your constructs. Be able to say “I accept you. I honor you. I want you to be your highest self”. Say it to yourself in the mirror. Say it to your partner. Say it to your twin flame. Say it to your children. This is how we truly love ourselves and others.